SQUADRON INTERVENTION

What is Squadron Intervention?

The Dickweed Heavy Bomber Group command staff developed a Squadron intervention program to facilitate the recruiting and upgrading of those individuals whom the Squadron feels are promising and talented but, for reasons deemed unacceptable, have refused to become Squadron recruits or finish the training program to become line combat qualified. The program is administered by a Squadron intervention officer.

Generally, interventions occur in the home, often by pre-arrangement with the spouse whom we find often makes all final decisions anyway. The Squadron intervention officer arrives with the Squadron chaplain and one or two other Squadron officers, including a garbology officer.

The interventionee is usually offered one last chance to :

1) upgrade the computer
2) join the Squadron as a recruit
3) finish qualification training
4) start flying missions.

If it becomes obvious the interventionee is unwilling to participate, he is then whisked away in an unmarked van to a de-programming center in Phoenix. Wives tend to be very pleased with this arrangement, especially if the credit cards are left behind.

If the wife herself is the problem, squadron intervention can arrange a sale to Achmed al Gatar, a broker from the United Arab Emirates. The wife goes to New York's JFK Airport where Squadron intervention officers hand her over to Mr. Gatar and she vanishes on the next Saudi flight to Jedda. The husband receives approximately $700 in compensation, which can be used to upgrade his computer, plus an anatomically correct, life-size and inflatible, Claudia Schiffer doll.